BackStage Utah

And then I got pissed off at the person that hit the deer... they should have known better than to be speeding down that road.� Deer aren't the brigtest of creatures, and so we (as people who ARE typically a little brighter than deer), should be able to look out for them.

Dear Prudence,
A little more than a year ago, I witnessed a horrible accident. I was hauling my horse and driving the speed limit. A young woman behind me became impatient and attempted to pass a car, a bus, and my trailer around a blind curve. When she realized there was oncoming traffic, she tried to squeeze back in between me and the bus but got broadsided by the car in the other lane. She died on impact, and the couple in the other car was seriously injured. I pulled over and went to see whether I could help the couple. The first words a bystander said to me were, "This is what happens when you drive too slow." I have suffered tremendous guilt over the death of this young woman. I know it was not my fault, but I still blame myself. I often need to pull over when I drive because I sob uncontrollably. I obsessively run over what I could have done differently to prevent her death. I have told no one about my part in the accident, aside from my husband and therapist. I am so ashamed. How can I move on from this tragic event?

�Guilt Ridden

Dear Guilt,
This was a terrible event, and you were not the cause. Everyone should be driving the speed limit, and you would have been reckless in the extreme to be hauling a horse and speeding. The speed limit is not a suggestion; it's a legal decree. It's outrageous that someone tried to blame this on you, but you cannot let a thoughtless comment fester inside you. Your only part in all of this was to be a law-abiding citizen who witnessed a horrific accident. You appear to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. You are mentally running over the events in an endless loop; the thoughts of the accident interfere with your ability to engage in normal activities; you are consumed with guilt. Since this has been going on for a year, you need to discuss with your therapist how stuck you are. Even if you like your therapist, for the time being you need to see someone else who specializes in PTSD. Treatment, which might include medication, should start bringing you significant relief. You could also consider performing some kind of ritual to help you deal with the young woman's death. For example, her obituary might have mentioned that contributions in her name could be directed to a particular charity. So make a donation and write a letter mentioning your sorrow that her life was cut so short. I suggest this not because you had anything to do with her death, but because it might help you to concretely acknowledge her loss. This tragedy illustrates the fragility of life, and it will only be compounded if you let it keep you from living yours.